Jesus and Satan were arguing over who was better with computers. Finally, God suggested they settle it: Each would spend two hours using spreadsheets, designing web pages, making charts and tables - everything they knew how to do.
The two sat down at their keyboards and began typing furiously. Just before the two hours were up, a thunderstorm knocked the power out. Once it came back on, they booted up their computers.
"It's gone! It's all gone!" Satan began to scream. "My work was destroyed!"
Meanwhile, Jesus began quietly printing out his work. "Hey, he must have cheated!" Satan yelled. "How come his stuff wasn't lost?"
God shrugged and said simply, "Jesus saves."

-from Reader's Digest
Posted on 2003-04-03 17:22:29 by Hiroshimator
A priest, who is an avid golfer, decided to take in a few holes on a beautiful, sunny morning and a nun decided to come along and watch. After a few holes the priest had a nice drive and reached the green easily. His first putt, however, missed the hole.

"Goddamn it, I missed!" said the priest. The nun, not sure she heard correctly, raised her eyebrows but kept silent. The priest tries again and misses. "Goddamn, I missed again!" said the priest. The nun is now shocked not believing her ears. A third time the priest misses. "Goddamn, I missed again!" Now the nun must speak. "Father, please! You mustn't speak that way! God may strike you down with lightning!"

The priest just shushes her and concentrates on the ball. His putt just veers off and misses by a few inches. "Goddamn I missed again!"

Just then, clouds gather overhead. A rumble is heard and a flash of lightning comes down striking the nun. Then a great voice from heaven speaks, "Goddamn, I missed again!"
Posted on 2003-04-03 17:47:10 by drhowarddrfine
Nun's Weekend of Sin

It's Friday, and four nuns ask the priest at the local Catholic church for the weekend off. After some argument he finally agrees to let them leave the convent, provided they confess to him when they get back Monday morning whatever sins they have committed over the weekend.
On Monday the nuns return and the first one goes to the priest and says, "forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "what sin did you commit, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an X-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "you are forgiven. Go drink the holy water." She goes away laughing.
The second nun goes to the priest and confesses. "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house and I hit a neighbor's dog and killed it." The priest looks to heaven for a half minute, then tells her she is forgiven and to go drink the holy water. She goes off laughing harder.
When the third nun goes up the priest, he says, "out with it. What did you do?" She says, "last night I ran naked up and down Main Street." This time the priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgive you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves laughing even harder.
The fourth nun goes up to the priest. She is laughing so hard the tears run down her cheeks. She falls on the floor with laughter. The priest asks her, "Okay. What did you do that was so funny?"
Still laughing she replies, "I pissed in the holy water."


Bless me father

At a church one day, the nuns are lining up to go into confession. The first one goes up to the priest and says: "Bless me father, for I have seen a man's penis".
The priest agrees that this is a sin, but tells her to splash her eyes with the holy water, and all will be forgiven.
The next nun comes up and says: "I have sinned as well father... I've touched a man's penis"
The priest says that this too can be forgiven, and that she should wash her hands with the holy water.
The priest then looks over at the next two nuns in line, and sees them fighting to see who will go next.
He gets up and asks them why they are fighting. The fourth nun replies. "Well, there's no way that I'm drinking that holy water after she sat in it".

:grin: :grin: :grin:
Posted on 2003-04-03 17:50:57 by arkane