Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the Ladies Room,
there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror
and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie,
*POOF* one is instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.

A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room, stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." *POOF* The mirror swallows her.

Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive!" *POOF* The mirror swallows her.

Then a blond comes in, stands before the mirror and says, "I think..." *POOF*

:grin:
Posted on 2003-07-02 22:18:17 by arkane
Please show the I.D.

This guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21."

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give the scotch to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.

The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off of the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

:grin:
Posted on 2003-07-02 22:25:06 by arkane
:grin:

A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door.

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room -- with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.

The boy walked in with his report card -- unopened -- laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.

"Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked. The boy shook his head and said, "No." "Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" "No." "The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"

"Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!"

:grin:
Posted on 2003-07-03 13:08:17 by arkane
LOL :grin:

Nice jokes.
Where did you get these?
Posted on 2003-07-03 14:57:38 by clippy
I have a collection... :grin:
Posted on 2003-07-05 04:37:57 by arkane
A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot.

The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!"

The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?"

The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!"

The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you're upside down?"

"Because the sh*t is running down my back!"


--------------


A girl is standing at The Gates Of Heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside.

She says to St. Peter, "What's going on?"

He says, "That's the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos."

She says, "Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I'd rather go to Hell."

St. Peter says, "In Hell, you'll be constantly raped and sodomized."

She says, "That's okay, I've already got holes for that."

:grin:
Posted on 2003-07-05 13:55:15 by arkane
Little Tommy approaches his mummy in the morning:

"Mummy, sometimes, when I wake up in the night and come into your room, I see you sitting on top of daddy and bouncing up and down, why?"

A little embarrassed, Tommys mum says "Well darling, daddy has a bit of a big, round belly, that's because it's full of air, and mummy is just trying to squash all the air back out"

"Oh", says Tommy, "You shouldn't really bother anymore, I think daddy likes having a big round belly full of air"

"Why's that?" asks mummy

"Well" says Tommy, "Because as soon as you go to work, the lady from next door comes around and tries to blow daddys tummy back up again"

:grin:
Posted on 2003-07-19 01:55:09 by arkane

Please show the I.D.

This guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21."

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give the scotch to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.

The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off of the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

:grin:


the real joke is that Iv'e heard this is a true story
Posted on 2003-07-19 22:48:42 by rob.rice