"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript

"Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at
finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to
access their command pathways?"

"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching
through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."



"What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"

"Allow me to explain. We will send this
program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command
pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming
system resources at an unstoppable rate."

"But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter
their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

"Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new
version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases
exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt
quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be
taken over and none will be available for their normal operational
functions."

"Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable
geometric shape' idea."

. . 15 Minutes Later . . .

"Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the
command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all
resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the
expected 'upgrade'."

"Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and
CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an
'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

"Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is
something we have missed."

"Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the
upgrade'. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan
by not sending in their registration cards.

"Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin
emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."

"Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has
suddenly dropped to 0% !"

"Data, what does your scanners show?"

"Appearently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module
named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

"Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their
functionality."

. . Two Hours Pass . . .

"Geordi whats the status on the Borg?"

"As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to
compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they
successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space
monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called
the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

"How much time will that buy us ?"

"Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest
time span of 6 more hours."

"Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

"Identify."

"It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft'
logo"

"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT
FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED
SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURREDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY
TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"

"The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released
thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

"Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"

"Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward
the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive the
tortures of deep space ?!"

"I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look
closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something
recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases,
and wearing Armani suits"

"Lawyers !!"

"It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent
hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

"True, but appearently some must have survived."

"They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with
all types of papers."

"I believe that is known in ancient venacular as 'red tape' it
often proves fatal."

"They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"

"Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the
Borg deserve that."
Posted on 2003-07-20 20:16:02 by rob.rice
LOL - good old one :)
Posted on 2003-07-21 08:02:47 by scientica
basically what you're saying is: in the end MS saves the universe from the cold and merciless Borg :grin:
Posted on 2003-07-21 08:10:42 by Hiroshimator

basically what you're saying is: in the end MS saves the universe from the cold and merciless Borg :grin:


Yes, but after that, lawyers of MS checks logs and secret history files in IE and hunt down the IP address of computer, where Borg was downloaded pirated copy of the Windoze (and MS Office). Guess who will be the next target... :grin: :grin: :grin:
Posted on 2003-07-21 08:31:18 by JohnFound
Bring it on! :grin:

Posted on 2003-07-21 09:31:09 by Hiroshimator
The Borg sues microsoft for infringement of copyright saying that it had the idea to take over the universe first and the "look and feel" of ultimate evil is a patent held by unimatrix 0,0,0. The resulting lawsuit drags on for years during which time the Borg offers assimilation for free and decides to open source it's assimilation nano-tech. Over the years as the open-source evil movement catches on, there are posters to the message board who, like ex-smokers, decide that they have to save the helpless MS victims from themselves and inform them how much more evil Microsoft is than the Borg. Eventually, everybody stops listening to the "Borg Evangelists" and those little tube things are getting closer to your neck...
Posted on 2003-07-21 12:44:45 by donkey
THE RESULT OF THE LAWSUIT BORG v MICROSOFT:
Posted on 2003-07-21 12:48:33 by donkey
What about this ending?
The Borg will adapt, they will search the collective mind for lifeforms with a legal justice system, and assimilate their homeplanets. Evetually they will sue the federation for hacking them and puting software in their data nodes with out permision, and in the end be freed of charges by the Q's judges (which must act, for reasons not understandable to non Q), the federation will how ever point out that they have two valid licenses in a museum of computer history, M$ will have no choise but to drop their charges. In the mean time Unimatrix 01 has been anasyling the methods of the lawyers, they will offer them to jon the collective and keep their apperance (all the implants will be shifted out of phase.
The lawyer accept this proporsition when they realise how profitable it will be (as drones they will be able to function as juridical drones, dealing with issues such as "disobedience of protocols" (punishment: deactivation), the Species 8472 "confict"), and the bonus is longer life to serve the law/protocols.
What about M$? Well they violated the laws that were stated after the Great Awakening, the federation sues them for the resources lost due to the lawsuite (which forces M$ to bankcrupcy).
Posted on 2003-07-21 14:50:44 by scientica
LOL,

scientica,

You forget that the Borg will reject the lawyers request to be assimilated, they will simply point out "Hey man, we're not *that* evil". Unimatrix 0,0,0 having rejected the lawyers as unsuitable for assimilation flounders in it's appeal to the Q court and loses it's case. Microsoft assimlates the borg by offering higher quality assimilation technology for free, saying that it is integrated into the Microsoft Evilness and cannot be removed without jeopardizing the usefulness of evil. Meanwhile in a galaxy far far away, Lexx is awaiting the outcome of the battle while watching Zev take a shower....
Posted on 2003-07-21 15:27:27 by donkey
:tongue: :grin: ROFL!

I remember seeing that pic on a magazine cover.

Charles
Posted on 2003-07-21 16:02:56 by cdquarles
you're all faithless fools. don't you know your history? It doesn't matter wether the opponent has gaseous form, is a gooey blob or a humanoid of robotic enhanced capacities named "Gates". Captain Kirk will fistfight him/it/her (all in a series of 3 "above the equator" shots :tongue: ) and win another glorious victory by pummeling the technological superior adversary into existential oblivion.

All Hail Kirk! Posted on 2003-07-21 17:16:57 by Hiroshimator

basically what you're saying is: in the end MS saves the universe from the cold and merciless Borg :grin:


You know me better than that

It's an old joke ( win 3.1) I thought some of the members haden't seen and might enjoy
On MY computer I don't do windows
Posted on 2003-07-23 21:59:15 by rob.rice
Even though it was funny the pointless bashing on MS got annoying years ago... Start hassling third party software developers instead since they are behind 99% of bugs.
Posted on 2003-07-23 23:37:34 by SFP

Even though it was funny the pointless bashing on MS got annoying years ago... Start hassling third party software developers instead since they are behind 99% of bugs.

You know I just think it's funny, I think linux users have to bash Windows in order to justify the migraine they got and the hair they lost installing it. I don't really care if there are a few security holes (usually extremely minor and fixed quickly) I like Windows and I use it and so does most of the planet. Linux has it's place as server software but it will never penetrate into the general market until it can be installed by some-one without a few months to waste or a degree in IT.

Oh wait I think I have to recompile my Kernel before I post, whoops my mistake, I'm running Windows 2K :grin:
Posted on 2003-07-23 23:54:36 by donkey


You know I just think it's funny, I think linux users have to bash Windows in order to justify the migraine they got and the hair they lost installing it. I don't really care if there are a few security holes (usually extremely minor and fixed quickly) I like Windows and I use it and so does most of the planet. Linux has it's place as server software but it will never penetrate into the general market until it can be installed by some-one without a few months to waste or a degree in IT.

Oh wait I think I have to recompile my Kernel before I post, whoops my mistake, I'm running Windows 2K :grin:


donkey I love your sence of humor :grin:

linux isen't that hard to install
(the first time I installed it I spent more time working out the fact that my name is "root" than I needed to install it )

Has anyone ever seen me insult anyone for running windows ?

as far as the M$ bashing goes it was started by M$ bashing linux users thay called us everthing execpt child molsters not just the OS BUT us the poeple useing linux ( thay have stoped doing this but the bad taste remains )

the story I posted predates linux it was writen about a month after windows 3.1 came out and not by a linux user

if you can't take a joke get a sence of humor (not you donkey you have one and so do most of the poeple on this fourm)
Posted on 2003-07-24 18:52:33 by rob.rice
I'm just pulling your chain rob.ice, I love these Windows and Linux bashing sessions, they're sometimes my only smile all day :) But remember one thing about open source software :
Posted on 2003-07-24 19:01:36 by donkey
LOL
yea that's the kind of thing M$ was putting on it's web site

donkey
wern't the first words in my last post in this thread
" donkey I love your sence of humor :grin:"
I know you were joking but the post befor your's was no joke
Posted on 2003-07-24 21:47:48 by rob.rice
Hey! What so bad with communism? It's a nice utopia :) :) :) :)

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Is there something wrong with my eyes? ;)
Posted on 2003-07-25 05:06:25 by scientica
I've seen that image before :grin:
but the text was "every time you download mp3s, your'e downloading communism"

hell. I prefer ogg :grin:
nothing bad against vorbis so far...
Posted on 2003-07-25 11:24:20 by Ultrano

I've seen that image before :grin:
but the text was "every time you download mp3s, your'e downloading communism"
Posted on 2003-07-25 13:15:13 by QvasiModo